Stop Nagging!
This is the perfect day to begin this resolution. Apparently, I was a nag today, as mentioned by my boyfriend, Nate. There is this relationship workshop that I thought would be a great benefit to our relationship. Well, of course, being a female (not to stereotype) we usually think things like this would be fun and beneficial. I sort of forgot that for men it usually doesn’t. Needless to say when I signed us up for the workshop and then told him about it he wasn’t completely thrilled. I persisted on telling him why it would be good for us; that my intentions were good for the sake of the relationship. I was nagging. And he said I was nagging him to do something he does not want to do and that it does not sound like fun. Oops! I forgot to consider his perspective. This would be a good example of my nagging.
I don’t like to think of myself as a nag but if I think really hard I’m sure I can come up with some examples of being one other than this one. I will be on the look out for when I am.
An example of me not nagging: We are going on a cruise in 3 weeks and we need to book transportation to/from the airport to/from the port. We are both busy with our jobs but one of us has to do it. I asked him if he had time (seemed like a reasonable question to me) and he said he didn’t. I felt that I didn’t have time either but would make the time somehow to get it done. I didn’t nag him about it but I do feel upset that he didn’t offer. After all, I have spent time on booking a hotel for our early arrival and did the research for the cruise. Anyway, I’m hoping that by not nagging, more happiness will surface. I don’t think that I need to nag too much with Nate because he will usually do what I ask as long as it’s within reason.
I’ll admit I will be accommodating as much as possible but if someone is not willing to accommodate even a little I tend to get really upset. My belief is that if I’m compromising then they should to. This has probably been a major cause in my arguments with Nate. It’s really hard to hold my tongue when he doesn’t budge at all. The bad news is that nothing good comes out of speaking my mind…ever. Hopefully, not saying anything at all will help. Any advice?
Society as a whole, through a misconceived attempt to enact a true feminism (which is really a good thing, but not in the way they tell/portray/enforce it)has degraded women. They tell women they have to be like men to achieve and be successful. That's their problem, it's not that women need to be exactly like, act like, look like, or have the same capabilities of men (physically or mentally) to be equal to them. Value can be measured in many ways, and just because the source of the value may be different, doesnt mean the total value isnt the same.
ReplyDeleteWith that as a preface, men and women are VERY different in how they think. Studies have shown that women use the white matter of the brain to think, while men use the gray. White matter is the connective tissue in the brain, while gray matter acts as the "processing center" of the brain. This means that women typically multi-task better than men, while men can concentrate on a single subject better. Other effects of this include, women tend to think of others more than then selves, where men tend to think more of them selves. Women tend to be more intuitive about things than men as well. From this men and women communicate in VERY different manors. Women tend to be more concerned with how the other person feels, and have trouble isolating their feelings from idea's they develop, where men tend to be more concerned with the idea and most of the time can isolate their "self worth" from the discussion of ideas. This is illustrated in the fact that most of the time when a woman comes to someone to talk about a problem they want to be emotionally catered to, i.e. get empathy, where as men do such when they want to solve the problem. This is why men always try to solve your problem when you come to them with it, when all you wanted was "to be listened to (empathy)." This has been shown to be true through fMRI scans that show that during such discussions womens emotional center of the brain is active, while in men such activates the action section of the brain.
That being said, men tend to communicate, and work with each other, based on "contracts". If you know a man is honorable, and trust worthy, you will give him the respect that is due for such by asking him if he wants to be involved before just "signing him up". Where in woman world because you are close friends, and you thought ahead about the well being of the relationship, automatically signing you up might be seen as confidence that you are close to each other.
This often causes miss communication in the "nagging" aspect of things. Men, once they ask you to do something and you agree, take your word for it unless you have a previous history of not doing what you said. The trust placed in you to keep your word is a respect payed based on your "manhood". Thus a man will typically ask once and wait to see if you do what you said you would, and then only "nag" later if you have a history of not doing the "contract". Women on the other hand dont operate in this way, as you your self know when you "nag" without realizing it.
Also note that women, when trying to "come to a compromise" think that the solution to the problem should be "worked out at the same time together" and thus, expect the man to "give" a little. Women tend to group solve a problem by shaping the idea together as they speak about it. Men DO NOT work this way. Men come up with an "idea" or "contract" and present the idea, having little or no emotional ties to the idea, thus rejecting the idea is ok, as long as you present a modified idea of your own. This is an "exchange of contracts" until you both find one you can sign your word on.
ReplyDeleteI've found this often causes issues with women feeling like the man is not compromising, or that he's dictating the situation, when in reality he's waiting for your counter "contract". Also, remember, that when he rejects your idea's, it's NO ATTACK on you, simply the idea. Most women find this hard to fathom, because they struggle to detach them selves from their idea's.
For example, when women are trying to figure out where to go for lunch, often one will through out an idea, but in reality this is where she wants to go. The other acknowledge that the idea was received with an emotional support "oh, that place is nice, but..." then present where she wants to go. The emotional consideration is based on the "relationship" of the women speaking, this allows the woman to feel as though the other woman considered her idea, but may not agree with it. This will continue with all the women until a place is found to be suitable by no one else responding to the last "desire" given (usually).
For men the same choice is done totally different. One man will present an idea of a place to go, the other men will consider it WHILE he is saying it, and give an immediate response if it's ok for that one man responding. If anyone rejects it, someone else will present a different idea. Notice no emotional catering, and notice that there is no offense taken (usually) to the rejection of the idea. This will continue until most of the men in the group agree to the idea, but not all, and then express that agreement. Then lunch may continue.
My advice to you, is to remember how EASY it is to get offended on both sides due to miss communication on these things. Remember, what he says may not mean what you think it does, and as the man we need to remember that what you say may not be what you mean.
I know what you mean! Sometimes I'll start nagging at Dale only to stop mid sentence to say, "I'm nagging aren't I?" Admitting it seems to help me stop but it's a bad habit I would like to kick to the curb. Sometimes I even catch myself saying, "I don't want to nag but . . . " Here's to hoping that admitting we have a problem will be the first step in fixing the problem!
ReplyDeleteshushikiary: I love your point about being equal but not similar. Being an Engineer I have always thought that I need to prove myself to be just like the guys in intellect. It's been tough because I'm not a guy! Ha! I've recently come to realize that I don't want to be just like them so I am shaping my way through the sea of men that I work with, just trying to be me. I've had some rough patches but I've also been accepted as this new type of engineer, a female engineer. You bring up great understanding to the differences between men and women, how we think and how we make decisions. I will keep the thought about the "contract" that you said men operate on. I will re-read your post because it is thought provoking and needs extra attention. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteMattie: I think you are one step ahead of me. I'm sure you are on your way to "fixing" the problem just by admitting to it. I just need to figure out when I am actually nagging...for some reason I haven't been aware of this one, but I'm positive I do it more than I am aware.
I think the contract philosophy is right on. Also, I agree with when a Man's idea is shot down, there needs to be an alternative suggested immediately. If a man does not have an alternate suggestion when dealing with each other, he keeps his mouth shut (usually).
ReplyDeleteObviously men need to be aware of what they are saying to women because it usually is not analyzed much by other men. But, being able to detach yourself emotionally from an argument/debate or "contract deal" will not only help you in dealing with Nate, but it will help with the rest of your life in many other situations.
Don't stop communicating what you want though. shushikiary is right, if you say something to us once, we will be considering it (as long as we heard you). Personally (obviously) my brain does not think like Mattie's. Therefore things she wants to do I will not come up with most of the time on my own. This can range from cleaning somewhere that I may not consider dirty yet, to what movie we may want to see. So I always tell her to let me know what she wants to do so I will actively think about it later (not right then).
lol, I only speak what I have learned through 2 years of fights with steph, and many hours spent trying to analyze and figure out what is going on... given all the bugs I've fixed at work, I'd say figuring out how steph works has by far been the most challenging problem I've ever tried to solve, including my college days.
ReplyDeleteThat's great advice Dale...It explains why after I shoot Nate down he is quiet. Then, I think he's not contributing and I get more upset. Instead I need to realize he's waiting for an alternate suggestion.
ReplyDeleteShushikiary: It's nice to see that guys do care about the arguments we have in relationships and that you have analyzed what the heck is happening.
I'm learning so much!