Day 11: Fight Right, no snapping

One of the very important points Gretchen makes in her book, The Happiness Project, is to fight right. How many times have you been so furious with your spouse that you begin to bring up past issues, blames, and hurts? At what point do you get so angry that you begin to use the words, "never" and "always" during a fight? Trust me, I have done this plenty. I smile as I say this because I am G-U-I-L-T-Y. For example, trying to figure out where to go for dinner because we both "don't care." The conversation usually goes something like this:

Charissa: Where do you want to go for dinner?
Nate: I don't care, where do you want to go for dinner?
Charissa: I don't care, how about Rio, TGIF's or Maggiano's?
Nate: Nah
Charissa: OK, so where do you want to go for dinner?
Nate: I don't care, you choose.
Charissa: I just did choose!
Nate: I don't feel like any of those places.
Charissa: Then, you choose!

And so the cycle continues until I happen to name a restaurant that he agrees on. I get so frustrated though which can of course turn into a wonderful, "You never pick the restaurant!" (Even though he occasionally does.) And, "You never make any decisions for us, the burden always lays on me!" Of course these statements aren't true as he does make decisions and he does contribute in other areas. As you can see, though, the general disastrous direction this discussion is heading, down the slippery slope of not fighting right. (Plus, we are both hungry which doesn't help our attitudes.)

There are many ways this could have been handled better and one way is to "fight right, no snapping." Instead of going into our relationship history to blame and disprove Nate of past issues and hurts I will stay in the topic of the moment, where to go for dinner. Do I see one less fight in our future?

Last night I had to bite my tongue in order to fight right. Nate and I were watching t.v. in bed, laying one foot away from each other. I began to get upset that he used to be more romantic "back in the day." Of course some things have waned after a year long relationship but he is still very romantic. Anyway, I was going to say, "Remember when you used to cuddle me, back in the day?" I stopped myself. This is not fighting right. Bringing up old behaviors is not fair. There are different circumstances at play such as seeing each other every day now or having a rough day at work. I stopped myself from saying it and 2 minutes later he asked, "Why aren't you cuddling with me?" Enough said.